The Gambler

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My name is Norb and I’m a gambler. (Muted response, Hi Norb.) I don’t bet on the ponies or play poker. I don’t play the over/under on sports games but I gamble every day.

When my alarm goes off and, at seventy, when I swing my legs over the edge of my bed, I gamble on the fact that when I stand up, my legs won’t collapse. I’ve been to the hospital a few times when I “melted” as I call it. I don’t fall, just slowly collapse to the ground because my legs can’t support me.

Once I am up, I shuffle to me kitchen where I lay bets on a number of things. I make myself a breakfast sandwich and I gamble several times. I make myself a ham, egg, cheese and kimchee breakfast sandwich in the microwave. According to Consumer Reports, “More than 10,000 people were hurt using microwaves.” I gamble the egg I use won’t give me salmonella or the ham I use won’t give me food poisoning. I’ve had food poisoning, also called foodborne illness, once in my life and it wasn’t fun. As I cut my English muffin I am reminded that lacerations caused by kitchen knives affected more than 900,800 people in 2012, according to the www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. I gamble I don’t cut myself.

After I eat my sandwich, risking choking, I then go down my back steps gambling on the chance they aren’t wet or icy causing me to slip, go ass over tea kettle and doing a face plant on the concrete sidewalk at the bottom. My wife has put non slip strips resembling black sandpaper on the steps to help prevent this.

I then take my biggest gamble of the day. I get into my car, turn on the ignition and ease myself on to the road. According to driverknowledge.com, the average number of car accidents in the U.S. every year is 6 million. I wager on fact that every other driver isn’t DWI or Texting or Chatting on their cell phone and are paying attention to their driving. When you think about it, half the vehicle to vehicle car accidents on the road are caused by the other guy. I may be the best driver in the world but that might not help me if someone is acting unsafe on the roadway.

I also gamble, if it is winter, the road crews have plowed and salted the roadways properly before I drive on them. I have traveled on unplowed roads before and I slid into the ditch.

Other gambles I have taken were asking my wife of 50 years to marry me. This was probably the most important chance I have ever taken. I would have been devastated if she would have said no. I tried to “stack the deck” to favor me when I asked. Knowing how much she loved children I asked her to have mine.

Two children later, I also took a chance when I got out of the navy. The movers were supposed to be at my apartment at 8:00 AM and pack us up for the trip back to Western New York. Donna and I got up early that day and made sandwiches, filled bottles for our two daughters and prepare for our road trip to Western New York. We figured it might take the movers 3 hours or less to load up our merger possessions so we could head home. We packed up our Volkswagen Beetle with what we thought we would need for a few days, filled a cooler and waited for the movers to arrive.

They only missed this appointment by 12 hours showing up at 8 PM. By 11 PM we were sitting in our empty apartment and had a decision to make. Should we start an 8 hour long drive, in the middle of the night, in the ice and snow of January, after being up for 18 hours? Our other choice was to stay in a motel overnight and leave for home in the morning when we had some sleep and were fresh.

Donna, my wife was as anxious as I was to get home so we gambled on option one. She said she would stay awake and keep me awake during the trip. So I went all in. We loaded the kids and the last of our possessions in our car and I started to drive

The first 25 miles went well, Donna and I chatting about how glad we were to be going home, but as soon as we got outside of Providence, Rhode Island, Donna fell asleep. I gambled again and decided to drive straight through. This almost proved fatal. I tried to deploy a few ways to try and stay awake. I turned the radio real loud and opened my window allowing the freezing air in.

I had fallen asleep a few times during that long trip but I would manage to wake up when my tires would hit the shoulder. The last time I fell asleep however I woke up in the median to snow flying over my car as I was plowing it. I jerked my steering wheel to the right and popped back on the roadway like a Jack-in-the-Box. Thank god no one was hurt.

We all are unaware we are gamblers and unknowingly gamble several times a day. Follow Norb at https://whywny.home.blog/

Your kids are watching:

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You are in a store and pay for a five dollar purchase with a ten dollar bill. The cashier gives you fifteen dollars in change. You jam the money in your pocket and hustle your family out the door before the mistake is discovered. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them that it is OK to take advantage of someone if they make a mistake. What you didn’t teach them is that this mistake will result in a shortage in the register drawer that could cause the cashier to get fired or make them to have to pay for this shortage out of their pocket. What you taught them is that it is ok to steal. What you didn’t teach them is honesty.

You are driving down the street doing 45 MPH in a 30 MPH zone because you are in a hurry. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to ignore the speed limit. You just taught them that your time is worth more than the life of the child that might dart out into the street chasing a ball. What you didn’t teach them is that the speed limits are designed to protect the public safety.

You do drugs, light up a blunt, a dubie, a joint, snort some coke or inject heroin. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about the drug laws. What you didn’t teach them was violating these could cause them to go to jail and give them a record that could affect them the rest of their lives. What you didn’t teach them was that they could die from doing drugs.

You cheat on your spouse. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about the vows they took, about the promises you make. What you didn’t teach them was about being committed to another person, about being faithful, about being true to your word and keeping a promise.

You have a few drinks and get behind the wheel of your car to drive home. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about driving drunk because it’s a silly law and you can drive just fine anyway. What you didn’t teach them was the effect driving drunk will have if they are in an accident. How they could permanently disable themselves or someone else. How they could even die or kill another innocent person.

You see someone drop some money and you wait till they are gone to pick it up. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” What you didn’t teach them was the proper thing to do was let that person know they dropped it. They could have needed that money to buy groceries or medicine.

You are running late for a dance recital and come up to a signal as it turns yellow. You “step on it” so you can get thru the intersection before it turns red. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it’s OK to take chances if you are in a hurry. What you didn’t teach them was how to drive defensibly to avoid an accident

You are in a parking lot and you see a man beating on a woman and you do nothing. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to abuse another person. You just taught them it is OK to be violent towards someone else. What you didn’t teach them was that abuse is never right.

You hear someone screaming for help and you ignore it (this is rumored to have happened in New York City in the 70’s). But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to ignore it when someone needs assistance, after all isn’t what the police are for? What you didn’t teach them was that someday they or even you could require help. That we all should help each other.

You are driving and someone cuts you off. You blow your horn loudly, you give them “the finger”, speed up, pass them and cut them off. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them that “Road rage” is OK. What you didn’t teach them was that this is an inappropriate way to react, to put yourself, your passengers and other people on the roads at risk. You didn’t teach them to just let it go.

It all boils down to showing your children how to live because you can tell them all you want, but your kids are watching what you do and if you don’t follow your own advice, they will ignore what you tell them. It’s a classic case of do what I say, not what I do.

Adolescence

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My children were born over a span of 5 years so adolescence lasted quite a while in our house. As my oldest child was part way through adolescence, my next child entered into their adolescence followed by my youngest who entered this most difficult phase. Difficult for parents, for children, for everyone.

I can’t believe we made it. There are two things I used to tell my wife. The first of which was that I didn’t think we all were going to survive the teen years and the second was I now knew why some animals ate their young.

In my experience, a child’s adolescence begins around the age of 10-12. That’s when they start showing signs of becoming an adult. They want you to drop them off for school a block away. They start becoming interested in music that doesn’t sound like music to you and they want to go to the movies with their friends, not you. They start experiencing crushes. They may develop an entirely different circle of friends, a different way of dressing and things, get, tough.

My own adolescence was very difficult, especially my teenage years. Actually, there wasn’t anything I hated more. I can remember fondly the day I turned 13, thinking I was practically a grown-up. I was now a teenager, let the wild parties begin! But 13 turned out to be not much different than 12.

Adolescence was terrible for my children too. I watched them suffer mean kids, failed romances and jobs that didn’t quite work out. I sometimes had to protect them from themselves and the people they were dating. This was like walking on a tightrope with a pit full of alligators below. You have to broach these issues very carefully because as we all know, when your children are in their teens, you are the dumbest person on earth. You have to help them without telling them.

As I watched them navigate middle school and high school, and fall down and get up and fall down and get up again, I knew I couldn’t do much to mitigate their pain except for being there for them when they need it and loving them.

When one of my children was 16 or so, things were so hard on me that I wished that I could fast forward through the teenage years to the next chapter of their lives. Because when you’re the parent of adolescents, time moves so slowly. You frequently have to remind yourself that, although your children look like adults, their bodies are simply betraying the fact that they are still children.

You want to protect them from everyone and everything every day, but you also know they must really experience the lessons of adolescence. So you insist they go to school even though they feel like everyone there hates them, even when they failed a big test yesterday, even when they didn’t get the part in the play they wanted, or didn’t get elected to a position they were striving for. And you wait for the time when you can look back together at those hard moments, stronger and happier, and know they paid off. But the waiting is agonizing.

I used to imagine that each of my children, starting at about the age of 12, was a rock at the bottom of a steep hill. I was standing there, pushing the rock up the mountain but because the rock was completely smooth, sometimes it would move up just the tiniest of bits. Sometimes I would misstep. But often times, even as I threw my back against it, trying to get it up the mountain, my hands would slip and the rock would stay put, refusing to budge an inch or even slide backwards.

As the years passed, my children went to college. They found great friends who did not betray them. They fell in love. I knew these things would happen, yet in those dark moments, when my children were 13, 14, 15 and 16, I didn’t really know if they ever would.

The teen years weren’t all bad. There were highs in there too. When I remind myself of them, I get a smile on my face. Those triumphs, like when my children graduated high school, got the hard-won good grades, or got a sports award, now all of those things helped bolster us.

Now when I see my kids, I see intelligent, beautiful adults actively working towards their career goals, with loving friends and opportunities that I could never have imagined for myself. I see people who went up the mountain slowly and they are now on top. I see people that I brought into the world, who I gave everything I could even to the point of abandoning my wants. When they were teenagers it all seemed so impossible.

In a way, I got my wish. Time really did fast forward. I can’t believe I can say that all my kids are now fully grown and living on their own. Everything’s worked out.

Empty Nest

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Empty nest syndrome, I never knew when it would hit. That extreme feeling of loneliness when my kids began leaving home to start a life on their own. Everybody had graduated from college, the weddings were over and suddenly we went from “Full House” to “Just the two of us”. Sure my wife and I had each other but gone were the slamming doors, the laughter and the family dinners. I know it was our job to raise our children to be self-sufficient members of society but dammit, why did we have to do such a good job of it?

We no longer had to give our kids rides to school, the mall or a friend’s house. The house just didn’t seem right without a couch full of people watching television and fighting over the remote. Usually, late at night, I would realize I didn’t have to wait up for anybody to get home anymore because home for them was someplace else.

I would sniffle a bit and wipe away a tear knowing what a good job we had done. The house we called home always seemed so small when we were raising a family. I think we could park airplanes in our living room now, it is so empty.

When I walk by their empty bedrooms, I see beds that are no longer being used. There are no piles of clothes on the floor, there are no shoes under the beds, and there are no toys that haven’t been picked up. Gone is the raucous laughter that used to fill our house to the roof top, gone is the pile of boots by the back door that indicated everyone was home, gone is the back yard full of toys and bikes carelessly strewn about.

I knew the bedrooms would be empty, the house would be quieter, their places at the table unoccupied, but other little daily patterns of life, can simply take you by surprise. We didn’t have to rush them out the door anymore so they wouldn’t be late for school. We didn’t have to help them with their homework. Years of my family eating, sleeping and playing under one roof had been brutally altered and I had no idea how to handle it.

It is still hard for my wife to cook for just the two of us and sometimes a meal she cooks lasts us several days. She started shopping less. I have started taking her out for meals and ordering takeout food more often. It just seems silly to dirty pots, pans and dishes for just two people.

And then came the holidays…. Thanksgiving was upon us and the holiday season had started. My wife would go shopping for the largest turkey she could fit in our oven. Overfilling her shopping cart with more food than we could possibly eat in weeks. Suddenly there were a dozen of us eating and laughing, watching the grandchildren entertain us with their dancing moves and our house was alive again.

Empty nest syndrome, is not a medical disorder. It is a mixture of separation anxiety, sadness, and satisfaction. Life can be full of unexpected twists and turns. Going from a home full of people to an empty nest is one that every parent will know eventually. Figuring out how to accept your recently vacated nest is just one part of the trip called parenthood. Having your children leave your home will change you as much as bringing your first child home did.

Children leaving the nest should not be the conclusion of being a parent or the ending of your relationship with your kids. You’ll get to see your children become adults and probably see them become parents themselves. You might even get to see them become grandparents if you are lucky.

It’s common to miss your kids when they move from home. They were most likely the focus of everything you did and you were used to spending time with them almost daily for several years. Sending your child out into the world can stir up many emotions. This is typical in times of transition and these emotions frequently start when the first child leaves home.

Some empty nesters find that once they become accustomed to their new routine, one without soccer practice, lessons and school events that they will have more time and energy for themselves. This is the time to rediscover their interests, recover their long lost friendships and appreciate the world around them. And just when they think empty nest syndrome is what they will have to live with the rest of their lives, the grandchildren will start arriving. If you are as lucky as my wife and I were, Nana and Papa’s house will become their primary child care site.

Norb is a proud parent that knows the roller coaster of feelings that empty nest syndrome can cause. He has been through it all himself. Parents that are suffering from empty nest have his sympathy. Know that you will get thru this.

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