Lovin Spoonful: Somewhere

By Norbert Rug

The three amigos, my wife Donna, my buddy Ed, and I ventured out looking for somewhere to go for dinner. We ended up at “Somewhere” a quaint looking place at 681 Blairville road in Youngstown.

When we first pulled up, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go inside. I thought someone was pranking me when the said I should try it out but don’t let the outside appearance scare you off. The facade reminded me of an old west saloon. When we pulled up in their small, gravel parking lot, I could see four full size, sand volleyball courts.

We walked under a surf board and through a homemade screen door to enter the place, still not knowing what to expect. Wow! This tiny bar was way better than I had expected, nothing very fancy just a warm friendly, Irish, country bar.

When you first walk in, it’s kind of just a regular neighborhood bar. We sat down at a table with a Kraft paper tablecloth and started taking in the sights. The floor was painted concrete, none of that fancy hardwood or laminate here, and the walls, oh the walls. There wasn’t much room to put anything else on the walls. I can’t begin to explain the amount of Irish paraphernalia on the walls. I understand the owner is Pat Stack, a retired Niagara Falls detective.

Kenney, our server/bartender came over to take our order. He emphasized that all the food is fresh. He said even the rolls are homemade and the meats & vegetables are locally sourced.

Donna had water with lemon, Ed ordered a glass of wine and I had a Pepsi. When he came back, he brought a salt and pepper shaker which I thought was a bit odd. Maybe they don’t have enough to go around.

They have a small menu (7 items) plus specials. Ed had the Cha-Cha-Chicken, which is fresh chicken breast marinated and grilled in their herb infused marinade served over a classic salad ($10). Gluten free

In a surprise to both her and me, Donna ordered the “Meatball Puff”. Donna would be a vegetarian if I let her. She said it just intrigued her. This is a meatball wrapped in pastry with homemade sauce on it. She said it was cheesy inside and out. She was wondering why she didn’t get the choice of a side but when it arrived she understood. This was a one pound meat ball, you didn’t need a side. In fact she brought half of it home.

I tried to order the Ruben that was on the specials board and Kenney told me they were out of that. He suggested the “Lola” to me. A Buffalo chicken sandwich with a side of homemade blue cheese dressing ($10). I selected potato wedges as my side. The potato wedges are seasoned with black pepper, paprika, garlic and salt. The chicken was fall apart tender. The roll was perfect, not too crusty and the potato wedges were excellent.

This small place had a neat log-cabin atmosphere, 60’s music, 4 tables, an 11-seat bar and featured a number of items from another era. Outside, there are four well-maintained volleyball courts on the west side of the building. The east side and behind the building include a patio and a stage for bands. They put on inflatable pool parties, tortoise races and a St Patrick’s party that had 532 guests according to their Facebook page.

I was completely blown away that I found this food of this caliper in a place I’ve never even heard of before. It was friendly, very low key and drama free. I will make it a point to return here again in the future. It was Delish. Thanks Michele for suggesting it. I give it 9 spoons out of 10.
Hours are:
Saturday              11:30AM–11PM
Sunday                Closed
Monday               Closed
Tuesday               11:30AM–5PM
Wednesday         11:30AM–11PM
Thursday              11:30AM–11PM
Friday                   11:30AM–11PM

Phone: (716) 262-2337

Your kids are watching:

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You are in a store and pay for a five dollar purchase with a ten dollar bill. The cashier gives you fifteen dollars in change. You jam the money in your pocket and hustle your family out the door before the mistake is discovered. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them that it is OK to take advantage of someone if they make a mistake. What you didn’t teach them is that this mistake will result in a shortage in the register drawer that could cause the cashier to get fired or make them to have to pay for this shortage out of their pocket. What you taught them is that it is ok to steal. What you didn’t teach them is honesty.

You are driving down the street doing 45 MPH in a 30 MPH zone because you are in a hurry. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to ignore the speed limit. You just taught them that your time is worth more than the life of the child that might dart out into the street chasing a ball. What you didn’t teach them is that the speed limits are designed to protect the public safety.

You do drugs, light up a blunt, a dubie, a joint, snort some coke or inject heroin. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about the drug laws. What you didn’t teach them was violating these could cause them to go to jail and give them a record that could affect them the rest of their lives. What you didn’t teach them was that they could die from doing drugs.

You cheat on your spouse. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about the vows they took, about the promises you make. What you didn’t teach them was about being committed to another person, about being faithful, about being true to your word and keeping a promise.

You have a few drinks and get behind the wheel of your car to drive home. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them not to worry about driving drunk because it’s a silly law and you can drive just fine anyway. What you didn’t teach them was the effect driving drunk will have if they are in an accident. How they could permanently disable themselves or someone else. How they could even die or kill another innocent person.

You see someone drop some money and you wait till they are gone to pick it up. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” What you didn’t teach them was the proper thing to do was let that person know they dropped it. They could have needed that money to buy groceries or medicine.

You are running late for a dance recital and come up to a signal as it turns yellow. You “step on it” so you can get thru the intersection before it turns red. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it’s OK to take chances if you are in a hurry. What you didn’t teach them was how to drive defensibly to avoid an accident

You are in a parking lot and you see a man beating on a woman and you do nothing. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to abuse another person. You just taught them it is OK to be violent towards someone else. What you didn’t teach them was that abuse is never right.

You hear someone screaming for help and you ignore it (this is rumored to have happened in New York City in the 70’s). But, your kids are watching. You just taught them it is OK to ignore it when someone needs assistance, after all isn’t what the police are for? What you didn’t teach them was that someday they or even you could require help. That we all should help each other.

You are driving and someone cuts you off. You blow your horn loudly, you give them “the finger”, speed up, pass them and cut them off. But, your kids are watching. You just taught them that “Road rage” is OK. What you didn’t teach them was that this is an inappropriate way to react, to put yourself, your passengers and other people on the roads at risk. You didn’t teach them to just let it go.

It all boils down to showing your children how to live because you can tell them all you want, but your kids are watching what you do and if you don’t follow your own advice, they will ignore what you tell them. It’s a classic case of do what I say, not what I do.

Domestic Violence

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Recently, someone I know was the victim of domestic violence. I decided to do an article on it and in doing my research I have found quite a bit of disturbing information on domestic violence and abuse. The statistics are staggering.

Domestic violence or intimate partner violence is more prevalent than most people realize. According to what I have read, it is estimated over one million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year this includes hitting, choking, pushing, burning, stabbing, shooting and other forms of assaults. More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 4 men in the U.S. experience domestic violence some time in their lifetime. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew with 85% of domestic violence victims being women. Females who are 18-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence which includes rape. Also, over 30 percent of all women who are murdered in the United States are killed by a current or former male partner according to The Center for American Progress.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police. There are many reasons for this, some of which are related to the embarrassment victims feel like fear of retribution, fear of additional abuser violence resulting from disclosure, lack of resources and the feeling they deserved it. Those who have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner or stranger report being concerned about their own and their family’s safety if the incident is disclosed. A restraining order does not always work with person having to violate it before anything can be done.

Victims often need health care and often miss at least one day of work or school. Nearly half of all women in U.S. have experienced at least one form of psychological aggression by an intimate partner during their lifetime including some form of expressive aggression like their partner acting angry in a way that seemed dangerous and telling them they are a loser or a failure or insulting or humiliating them. The majority of women who have experienced intimate partner violence said it was by one partner, while over a quarter were victimized by two or more partners.

The most common age when intimate partner violence is first experienced by women is age 18-24, followed by age 11-17, then age 25-44 and age over 45 being the least victimized. For men the most common age is age 18-24, followed by age 25-34, then age 11-17, followed by age 35-44 and then over age 45. Among victims of intimate partner violence, 84% of female victims and 61% of male victims disclosed their victimization to someone, primarily a friend or family member. Only 21% of female victims and 6% of male victims disclosed their victimization to a doctor, nurse or the police at some point in their lifetime. It is estimated over one million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

As I look around I see I have three children and six grandchildren. I also have a sister and a few cousins. It worries me as to which of these could be subject to abuse or domestic violence.

Society needs to remove the stigma associated with domestic violence and abuse and the courts have to provide stiffer penalties to the abusers. Fortunately the perpetrator in the case that prompted this article was arrested and is stood trial. Hopefully the victim I cited in the beginning can recover and go on with their life without any permanent damage.

Help for victims of domestic abuse is available at the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In honor of this I am posting an interview I did with an abuse victim.

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Norb: I recently posted an article on Facebook about Domestic Abuse/Violence and you contacted me to share your story is that correct?

M: Yes I thought that hearing this from the point of view of a victim was important.

Norb: I thank you for talking with me and want you to know that if at any time you don’t feel comfortable discussing this further, we can stop the interview.

M: Thank you.

Norb: let’s start at the beginning. How long ago did this occur?

M: In looking back, it started on our Honeymoon. Alex (not his name) got very angry when I commented on a statement he made. Early in our marriage I once forgot to turn off my headlights. I had to call him to rescue me, and he was so angry he kept shouting and telling me I was stupid.

Norb: Is this the first time you have felt comfortable talking about it?

M: No, after the divorce I went to a Divorce Recovery Program and after the program I was asked to tell my story to the next group. It was hard, to write, initially, but by the time I have practiced it a few times it became very easy to talk about it. Actually putting it down on paper was very cathartic, and it made me deal with my emotions.

Norb: If you did discuss this who with?

M: I had told several friends about his behavior, but they always said their husbands acted like that, too. Later I learned they were appalled at his behavior but never told me.

Norb: Who was your abuser?

M: My Husband

Norb: How long had you known them?

M: We were married 9 months after we met, and were married for 30 years before we separated.

Norb: What was the first instance?

M: My abuse was not physical, but emotional. He gradually separated me from my friends and family, and slowly became more violent towards me. I describe it as cooking snails; if you drop snails in a pot of hot water they will crawl out, but if you put them in cold water and gradually heat it up they don’t notice and slowly cook to death. Two of the most violent instances happened within 3 years of our separation.

I had been about 700 miles away for the weekend, at a music competition. My group won first place in the competition, and. when I got home I told him. His response was there must have been a lot of lousy groups there. Â I then asked Alex if he had eaten and he said yes, so I started making something for me to eat. He started shouted at me that he was hungry and had been expecting me home earlier so make dinner. He raged at me about how he had to fend for himself all weekend and I didn’t care. Later he told me he was just being funny with the comment.

Number 2 was when we were on vacation with the children. We were trying to find a parking lot so we could take a tour. I saw a lot and pointed it out, he started shouting that he couldn’t get there and I should have seen it sooner. He then drove onto a highway, going over 100 miles an hour screaming at me, you have the map, where are we. I kept shouting for him to slow down so I could read the road signs, and the kids were in the back seat screaming, you’re going to kill us. After traveling about 10 miles he exited the highway, and pulled into the first parking spot he saw. He got out and said, we can walk from here. Our son convinced Alex to let him drive back and when we got there Alex walked away from us. The kids and I bought the tickets and took the tour and had a good time. As we were coming back we saw Alex with another tour group. The children and I walked around the area and met Alex when he finished his tour. He took the keys and drove us back to the hotel. When we got to the hotel he dropped us off and said he was going to park the car. We did not see him again until the next afternoon. He had decided to drive to another city 400 miles away to look around. When he arrived he expected to do the planned activity for that day which was a day tour. When we told him it was too late she started sulking and said he was just going to say at the hotel. He would not give us the car keys so we walked to a mall. I felt really bad when my kids said they would take turns sitting next to Dad on the plane so I wouldn’t have to.

He would get mad for no reason and back me into a corner and shout and spit on my face and give me the 3rd degree after work demanding to know what I said about him to my co-workers. He would take my keys and disappear for a day or 2 and I would have to call co-workers to get a ride to work.

Norb: Did you feel you deserved being treated like this and why.

M: I knew I didn’t deserve this behavior, but I thought no one would believe me. My friends knew a lot of this but didn’t support me.

Norb: What do you believe triggered the abuser?

M: I think he was always an abuser, but was able to hide it for years. When he did rage at me, I usually didn’t know what set him off.

Norb: Did you contact law enforcement at this time?

M: No, like I said, I thought no one would believe me. I didn’t have any physical marks.

Norb: abuse usually starts slow like verbal abuse and progresses thru physical abuse including hitting stabbing, being pushed down the stairs or being burnt. Was this the case with you?

No, I left before it became physical. Although, others have told me even though I didn’t get hit the spitting and backing me into a corner were physical. I often feared for my safety when he was raging. I was also concerned that if I would leave he would hurt the kids.

Norb: Did you at any time feel fearful for your or your child’s safety or life?

M: absolutely. The worst part was I found out they would hide in another room when he acted this way so they could call the police if needed.

Norb: Did the abuse cause you to lose work?

M: No, but when we separated he stalked me at work and I almost lost my job.

Norb: Did you require any medical attention due to the abuse?

M: I went to a therapist. Mentally, I was a train wreck.

Norb: Did you resort to anything to hide the abuse like wearing sunglasses or using concealer?

Norb: What was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

M: When I found out the kids would hide so they could call the police. They also told me they thought Dad didn’t love me anymore because they saw him with another woman. That was when I found out he had been cheating on me. About a week later I was diagnosed with an STD.

Norb: Finally, what made you stay so long with an abuser?

M: Again, I didn’t think anyone would believe me. No one in my family ever got a divorce, I couldn’t face that failure. My co-workers would tell me that was normal behavior, so I thought I was just being over sensitive. Also, I was the snail!

My kids convinced me that Dad needed help, and I needed to get away from him before he did severe damage. That’s when I realized that every time Alex came into the house/room, I would have a panic attack. This anxiety was affecting my relationships, and health.

I want to say, if someone starts confiding in you about abnormal behavior of a spouse or lover, don’t brush it off. Support them and tell them it isn’t normal and try to help them get help.

Previously published in the Niagara Gazette.

All lives matter

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So during a black lives matter protest in the heart of Dallas on Thursday, a sniper opened fire on police officers killing five and injuring seven others. In addition to the police officers, two civilians, a man and a woman were shot and injured. It appeared the shooter planned to injure and kill as many police officers as he could. The area is only a few blocks away from Dealey Plaza, where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

I am reminded of the race riots of the 60’s. I watched these on television and the riots were worse than anything I had ever seen. The five day Watts riot in August, 1965 saw 34 people die and a thousand injured. On the evening of Wednesday, August 11, 1965, 21-year-old Marquette Frye, an African American man was driving his mother’s 1955 Buick, was pulled over for reckless driving by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. After administering a field sobriety test, Frye was placed under arrest for drunken driving and the officer radioed for his vehicle to be impounded. Marquette’s brother Ronald, a passenger in the vehicle, walked to their house nearby and brought back their mother, Rena Price, back with him. When Rena Price reached the intersection of Avalon Boulevard and 116th Street that evening, she scolded Frye about drinking and driving.

The situation quickly escalated. Someone shoved Price, Frye was struck, Price jumped an officer, and another officer pulled out a shotgun. Backup police officers attempted to arrest Frye by using physical force to subdue him. After rumors spread that the police had roughed up Frye and kicked a pregnant woman, angry mobs formed. As the situation intensified, growing crowds of local residents watching the exchange began yelling and throwing objects at the police officers. Frye’s mother and brother fought with the officers and were eventually arrested along with Marquette Frye. After the arrests of Price and the Frye brothers, the crowd continued to grow along Avalon Blvd.

Police came to the scene to break up the crowd several times that night, but were attacked by rocks and pieces of broken concrete. A 46-square-mile band of Los Angeles would be transformed into a combat zone during the next six days. A total of 258 private buildings were damaged and/or burned, a total of 192 were looted and a total of 288 were both damaged and/or burned & looted.

The 1966 Detroit riots caused 43 deaths. The event that led to the riot was a police raid of an unlicensed, after-hours bar then known as a “blind pig. Police clashes with patrons and observers on the street evolved into one of the deadliest and most destructive riots in the history of the United States. 2,509 stores were looted or burned, 388 families became homeless and 412 buildings burned or were damaged enough that they had to be demolished. Dollar losses from arson and looting ranged from $40 million to $80 million

Following Martin Luther King’s assassination in 1968, rioting broke out in over 120 cities including Chicago and Washington. Six days of race riots erupted in Washington, D.C., on April 4, 1968. Shortly after the news of Dr. King’s death, the disturbances began. Looting occurred generally in areas with little or no police protection. The local police department could not handle the disturbance and one officer said, “This situation is out of control. We need help, it’s too much for us to handle.” (Washington Daily News, 5 April 1968) The Civil disturbance unit was later activated, by the time order was restored, about 200 stores had their windows broken and 150 had been looted, most of them swept completely empty. Liquor stores were hardest hit. During the riot of 1968 arsonists set buildings ablaze and The District of Columbia fire department reported a total of 1,180 fires.

The property loss caused by the riot was extensive. One thousand, eight hundred and seventy three buildings, including 283 housing units and 1590 commercial establishments, were badly damaged or destroyed. Estimates of losses were fixed at over $25 million. The riots utterly devastated Washington’s inner city economy.

I was always confused as to why the rioters were destroying their own neighborhoods. The riots caused the closing of businesses, destruction of housing and caused thousands of jobs to be lost. I fail to see how this was helping.

There were 990 people killed by police in 2015. Of those, 494 were White, 258 were Black, 172 were Hispanic, 38 were other races and 28 were of unknown race. There were 53 police officers killed in the line of duty in this same time period. So far in 2016, 509 people have been fatally shot. Of these, 283 were White, 123 were Black, 79 were Hispanic, 23 were other races and 46 were of unknown race. There have been 26 police officers killed in the line of duty so far this year.

As we approach another long hot summer, I can only hope that history doesn’t repeat itself. That everybody takes a step back, takes a deep breath and tries to get along. Black lives matter. Brown lives matter. Red lives matter. Yellow lives matter. White lives matter. Blue lives matter. Rainbow lives matter, All lives matter. Violence never solved anything.